Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman is the poster girl for Captain Save-a-Ho guys everywhere. In real life, she’d have been a popular streetwalker, but the tattoos, the pregnancies, and the scars from bitch fights would eventually take their toll, and she’d wind up looking like Charlize Theron in Monster. Julia’s real-world career would have been nasty, brutish, and short.

Elizabeth Berkley played (sort of) a stripper in Showgirls. Her lack of dance talent would be a nonissue, as many strippers are terrible dancers. But in the real world, the other girls would give her hell about licking the pole—”Ew, gross, germs! I have to touch that pole, too, you know!” (As if that was the dirtiest thing they ever wrapped their fingers around.)

Mistress Matisse’i kolumn The Strangeris